


Cats Have a Talent for Destruction

by grilledcheeseandgravityfalls



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Comedy, Constructive Criticism Welcome, Established Relationship, F/M, Gen, Humor, I did my best, I don't know what I'm doing, I hope, Known identities, Rated for Swears, definitely not beta read, i feel like this is rushed but here i am posting it anyway, i've never written anything entirely pure before, idk - Freeform, it's weird - Freeform, not relationship heavy, probably eating somewhere, they're just losers, this whole thing is dumb, watch me happily post this without proofreading it, we must save the children, where are tikki and plagg in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-17 23:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5888752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grilledcheeseandgravityfalls/pseuds/grilledcheeseandgravityfalls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Paris' famous leather-clad hero is defeated by an unlikely opponent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cats Have a Talent for Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> this started as just a quick drabble to ease some shame but then i ended up with a five page document full of fluff and dorks. how do these things happen to me

 

The world did not end with a bang, like he had always figured it would. Instead, the apocalypse started with the clatter of tiny gears.

 

* * *

 

 

Adrien stared forlornly down at the shattered remains of his pride, laying sadly on the tiled floor of the Dupain-Cheng kitchen.

This had to be, by far, the worst moment of his life. Forget the time he fell off a roof in front of Ladybug. Forget his first failing marks on a test. Forget the horrible, scarring skinny jeans incident at that one photoshoot. They all paled in comparison to the calamity he was now faced with.

There comes a certain point where the human brain cannot deal with the sheer amount of humiliation it faces, and will shut down.

Everything was terrible. All of the fun times with his friends, over. Oh god, he was going to have to leap out a window, run away to Greece, change his name, begin a humble new life as a paper delivery boy-

Unless.

Could he fix this?

he took another look at the can opener sprawled across the ground, looking for all the world like the wreckage of everything he held dear.

“How, Adrien?” it seemed to ask. “How could you be so incompetent?”

“I didn’t mean to,” he addressed the appliance helplessly. His voice echoed in the emptiness of the kitchen. “It was an accident.”

The can opener did not reply, because it was a can opener, and inanimate objects couldn’t speak.

Somehow, even with the lack of a mouth, it was still mocking him.

Maybe they wouldn’t notice. Maybe he could buy a new one and slip it into the room. Stealthily, so inconspicuous that nobody would ever suspect a thing. Yes, like a shadow in the night, a ninja, he would appear, do his thing, and vanish without a trace.

While he was imagining things, maybe Plagg would start to dislike cheese.

Adrien took another peek at the floor.

Greece was sounding better and better.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he told the fallen utensil. “I’m in just as much trouble as you are.”

Any minute now, Marinette would be coming up the stairs to find out what was taking him so long, and then fiery chunks of rock and ash would begin to rain down upon Paris. Not because she would be upset, no, but from the sheer embarrassment radiating off of him. Who knew. The world would not end because of Hawkmoth, nuclear war, a giant meteor, global warming, or any of the other more likely scenarios he could imagine. Armageddon was starting today by the force of pure mortification.

“Do you know how to work this?” she had asked him.

“Of course,” he had scoffed, sure that he could figure it out.

All of the can openers at his house were electric, high-end, and entirely off limits. Little seven year old Adrien had tried to see how they worked once, only to be swiftly whisked out of the way by one of the chefs, and thoroughly chided for endangering his fingers. Marinette’s family had an electric one in the bakery of course, but the kitchen drawers upstairs were home to a handheld contraption. Quite sure that this device would be fairly simple to operate, Adrien had assured Marinette that most definitely did not need help to open a simple can of fruit cocktail to pair with their ice cream, and shooed her out of the room so she could set up a new game of Ultimate Mega Strike 3. Pride, unfortunately, was a dangerous thing.

The can opener in question had two red hand grips leading up to a piece of metal with a crank on one side, and two sets of gears on the other.

At least, it used to.

Adrien had hooked the gears over the lip of the can, letting the handles rest parallel to the side of the container, squeezed them together, and turned the crank.

Nothing had happened.

Frowning, he had changed the angle slightly and tried again. No movement.

Perhaps each set of gears were for a different sized can? That would make sense, he’d rationalized, nodding sagely to himself. He only needed to use one. Just call him Kitchen Guru. No feeble can opener would would best him.

Using one set turned out to be no more effective than two.

Now a bit frustrated, Adrien had attacked from every direction he could think of, making no progress except to mutilate the edges of the can beyond recognition and tear some of the paper off.

Something had to work eventually. Maybe if he-

_ clank. _

Green eyes had widened in horror, and the world imploded.

That had been fifteen minutes ago.

Surely Marinette was wondering where in the world he had gotten to, and would come up to check on him any second. He couldn’t hide his failure, as she would easily find the yet unopened can and question him until he caved. Then, if he got lucky (as if), the Earth would crack apart and swallow him up. A nice swift, silent death. If only it were possible.

“Adrien?”

_ … _

_ Shit. _

He’d jinxed it. Marinette was calling him from the living room downstairs, sounding a tad concerned.

“W-what’s up?” he shouted back, hoping desperately that the words did not sound as shrill as he thought they did.

“It’s been a while… is everything okay up there?”

_ No. _

“Just peachy! Um… haha! Peachy! Get it! Er… I’m fine!”

“Are you sure?” Marinette’s voice was laced with skepticism now. “The delivery of that joke was pretty weak, you know. Even for you.”

“Um…”

_ Please don’t check on me, please don’t check on me, Please please please don’t check on- _

“I’m coming up.”

_ Fuck. _

Footsteps sounded on the stairs, and Adrien’s heart promptly stopped beating.

Thump, thump, thump.

_ Doom _ , his brain whispered.

He was frozen, unable to do anything but stand there as his fate came marching closer.

Normally he would be happy to see her appear at the top of the steps, but today...

“Adrien?”

“H-hey, Mari!” he squeaked, plastering on an obviously fake smile. “Having a nice day?”

Marinette’s face screwed up in confusion.

“What are you talking about?”

“Uh…”

Blue eyes finally alighted on the object at his feet.

“Oh my god.”

Adrien shut his own eyes tightly and brought his hands up to cover his burning cheeks, bracing. Here it came.

True to his prediction, Marinette burst into clamorous laughter a second later, filling the room with her glee. Peeking out from between his latticed fingers, he could see her clutching at her stomach, tears of delighted amusement pricking at her eyes as she snorted.

“I can’t believe- oh jeez- you actually- oh my  _ god _ .”

Adrien whined pitifully, sinking to the ground and hiding his face again.

_ Greece, here I come. _

The giggles increased exponentially in volume.

“I  _ tried _ ,” he pleaded, to no avail. “I tried  _ so hard _ .”

Dimly, he heard Marinette pick up what was left of the can opener and turn it over in her hands for examination, snickering all the while.

“You told me you knew how to use this.”

“I didn’t think it would be so difficult!” Adrien protested, looking up to glare at the metal demon. “It hates me, Mari. It tried to murder me.”

“Silly Kitten, always so dramatic.” Marinette crouched down to place a hand on his shoulder. “Why didn’t you ask me to do it?”

“I didn’t want you to think I was helpless,” Adrien muttered, pouting. “I thought it would be easy. And then-”

He mimed an explosion with his hands.

“Oh my god.”

“Quit laughing at my shame. Your can opener has it out for me.”

It didn’t, of course. The device had actually been perfectly reasonable while he bumbled around, but Marinette did not need to know that. Ever.

Chuckling, his best friend sat down along with him, and began to collect the scattered pieces of his dignity. When she had them all gathered into a small pile in her palm, she turned back to the main body of the tool, fiddling with it. Screwing together this and that, arranging multiple thingies, adjusting here and there. Within a minute, she held it out to him, completely reassembled.

“Wha-?” Adrien was shocked. “I didn’t break it?”

Marinette grinned and rolled her eyes good-naturedly, placing the gadget in his hands before rising up and brushing imaginary dust off of her jeans.

“No,  _ Chaton _ , it’s good as new. No harm done. Now come on, let me teach you how to use that thing properly.”

 

* * *

 

 

_ Maybe the whole thing wasn’t so bad _ , Adrien thought later, reflecting on how his Princess had squeezed his hands as she taught him how to hold the grips correctly.  _ The end of the world was nicer than I thought. _

**Author's Note:**

> lmao guess what i accidentally did today
> 
> my tumblr is grilledcheeseandgravityfalls if you have any questions, comments, kittens to yell about, etc


End file.
